I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We are all done wearing pants today
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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