so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
