At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
