An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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