Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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