did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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