Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
