he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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