and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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