Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Drunk is a universal language darling
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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