i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
