I wannas sexs uuuuu
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
not ubering you a puppy
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
