I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
