I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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