i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
