just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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