would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
