Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
