Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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