i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
