i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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