I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
