It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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