I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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