Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
