Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
