it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
