I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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