Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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