Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
