She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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