just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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