i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
