i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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