He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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