On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
