The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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