I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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