During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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