I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
