Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
