why im i the only drunk person in the library?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
