Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
