just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just want to make out with him forever
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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