We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
