My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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