I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
