No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
