this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
