In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
